My Blog

I saw an angel fallen to my roof, it was around 4am on Tuesday. And he gave me a message, "everything is going to be okay, you’ll be fine, so do not worry."

"His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow." Matthew 28:3

I was half awake that morning, and i saw angels fallen onto me.

The next day, i got a call from one of my church member. And she agrees to help out my living expenses for half a year. All these years, i’ve been walking in USA with faith. Thank god for keeping me going. And thanks to you too, my lady.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body,what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add single hour to his life?" Matthew 6:25-27

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

These verses are what kept me going in my impossible study life in Boston.

Winter vacation tour from Florida West Palm Beach -> Miami -> Key West -> New York City -> Washington DC -> Virginia -> Boston. 3 weeks of intensive tour. 9 hours bus ride from DC to Boston tomorrow night.

I’ve been through a very difficult and insane 2007. Unexpected expectation best describes everything happened the whole year. The boiling point started September, different cases and issues strike my patience, my emotion, my faith, my tolerant, my limit of forgiveness, my anger, my powerless…..

We all have been tested to fulfill god’s plan - faith and patience. I need a hand for my powerless and justiceless, I need you to pull up from my struggle and hopeless..

Jan 13th 2008…am I walking to the right path, father? Please give me strength and bravery, please help me.

Why did I travel so intensively? can you tell? you fuck head.

After 3 months, finally, i’m back to my seat in boston. It’s been a really fantastic summer - best summer I ever had.

Went to Maryland the whole June for summer festival (National Orchestra Institute). Then, back to KL on July, won a 2nd place in HSBC concerto competition; Gigs around KL; played chamber music with awesome players from HK, Thai, Macau, Kl, Penang in Ipoh; Trip to Genting Highlands, Cherating Beach; Gigs again in KL; Recital in Allegro Music; New PSP, cell phone, clothes, fantastic food in Malaysia; good time with family, friends….bla bla bla bla more.

Less than a week, i’ll be back to school again, resume to my practice routine. And have to move to harvard in few days. So I’m just doing nothing in my room since my arrival few days ago, trying to rest a.m.a.p. (as much as possible la)

And finally moved in to a new house in Allston, 30 minutes walk/12 minutes bike to Harvard. Sept. 2nd, drove U-haul truck for the first time, moved 3 different rooms/Ikea shopping the same day.

mom, dad, sis and her bf visited me last week for my commencement. This is a very tough trips for me, i’ve been arranging for all the flights, hotels, attractions, foods and transportation to each places. If i would have a American Express, things will go much easier. But but but…. with my limited savings and dad’s very very standard credit cards, I can only go for cheapest possible price for everything. And this made even tougher.

During my final weeks at school, until their arrivals on May 6th. Ok, here’s the schedules since first day.

1st day: Cleaning my apartment since afternoon, grocery shopping for their welcome dinner at night, then, tour to organic food store and the highest building of Boston.(Prudential)

2nd day: Dunkin Donuts breakfast, fixing my stuff at school, then visiting Museum of Natural HIstory of Harvard University, Vietnamese lunch. Haymarket right after,  Italian town, Garden. American steak dinner. And…i have to do a recording right after dinner 9.30pm at 10pm..such an exhausting day.

3rd day: Morning train to NYC, arrives 3pm, check in to Pennsylvania Hotel next to Madison Square. China town lunch->break->Korean town dinner.

4th day: NYC still, Mc Donalds breakfast, Statue of Liberty ferry trip until noon, china town lunch. (they don’t want american food anymore!) break, then Shopping at Macy’s (the world’s biggest store). Dinner with Chee how’s family in Queens 7.15pm. Time Square on the way back home 10.30pm, and Rockerfeller call for the night, 12am.

5th day: Subway to La Guardia Airport 9.30am, flight to Buffalo, Niagara fall. arrives Quality Hotel and Suites at 2pm, buffalo wings lunch until 3pm. Niagara Fall->Niagara Fall->Niagara Fall->and gardens…. Indian Buffet Dinner..ZZzzz

6th day: 1pm flight to Boston, Super 88 Cantonese Lunch at 4pm. Bought lobster, and house dinner today. Taxi to mom and dad’s hotel right after, cleaning room for my sublet who will come in the 17th. I’ll be away until 18th, so i must clean up….poor me….(just realized i couldn’t sleep in my own room again….sad…T_T)

7th day: Thai Lunch, stupid convocation until 6pm, reception in Museum of Fine Arts. Then, rush to Charles River, Newbury St., and China town taiwanese dinner for the day. and until now…2.23am, i’m still cleaning up my room..!!!!!!!!!!!!

8th day: going to LA, morning call 5am, flight 8.30am. will update later~~

Finally, everything came to an end. This is my second last day working in library. It’s May, Spring(finally, for boston), this is when everything blossoms. perhaps this is the longest stay I ever had in USA. Every May 10th of the past 3 years, I flew back to KL. I’m quite regret for many decisions i’ve made. I put too much hope on everything, and everyone.

After July 4th, i’m an illegal resident of USA, if i don’t enrol a new program. Actually I did, and again, i’m stuck in all these money matters. Tomorrow all the decisions will be made, if i’m lucky enough, i’ll get another full-scholarship school, if not, then i have to plan on a job in Asia. My life don’t belongs to asia anymore.

Last night Chern Hwei told me a very shocking story. There’s one really talented cellist, she graduated from Indiana University and Julliard School, and she auditioned for Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra few weeks ago. Her audition was a tremendously success, the panels was impressed by her skillful playing. (she auditioned for assistant principal cellist post btw.) I haven’t heard her playing before, but by the reputation of the schools she attended and those famous teachers she studied with, i can say, she’s much higher level than I am, I’m pretty sure. Eventually, she failed to get the post by the reason "you’re too young!" I think she’s around 23 now, it’s not so ‘young’ to get a professional job. And obviously there are many politics going on in there. I don’t know, I try not to care, but it concerns me a lot.

I don’t know my future, what I can think of is ..maybe try to get a job in USA, then will plan on MPO after that. Why MPO? because i’m malaysian, and I wish to work in my own territory (I thought their  target is getting more malaysians to play in the orchestra?). I wish to educate and bring hopes to the musical world in Malaysia. But … but but but…and more buts.

Who can do something to MPO? Petronas, please stand up and protest…can you please?

Now it made me more miserable. If i failed to stay in USA for another 2 years, that means I have to go back. For…? the impossible and over-political MPO? or…. hmm… this is really really sad. Pathetic malaysian. God, please give me power…I really need it, to fix something.

It’s my best friend’s recital today, so I decided to buy her a bunch of flowers. Flowers are really pretty, I only give it to someone who worth having it, or else the flowers will be spoiled.

So, I brought the flowers to the recital. I knew someone would come to me and ask ‘why didn’t you give me flowers during my recital?’ I expected it, so i just laughed at it. When I just stepped in to school, less than 1 minute, 2 taiwanese girls saw my flowers and started to question me about it. I said, oh, it’s for bla bla bla…and they started to question ‘why me no flower…’…and ‘why u bought her flower..bla bla bla …..’ again.  These people are really retarded! I wanted to say, you don’t worth having these beautiful flowers, becase you’re ugly and disgusting inside out.

I stepped away from that scene. went to practice a little bit before the recital. Then, I brought the flowers again to the recital hall. And another girl asked me again about the flowers, she said "oh, you so nice, such a good friend…" and…"how come you didn’t buy me flowers for my recital…." again… later she added "you jerk…" Of course, she’s kidding…so I just laughed at it… she’s the 3rd for that night.

she played the final note….applause….I walked up to the stage and hand her the flowers. She was very happy…and so do I.

Reception, I didn’t stay there too long, because I know some bitches will question me about the flowers again. And i’m sure those taiwanese girls really care about it, just because they’re retarded, greedy and stingy. So after taking picture with my friend, I took my jacket and ran out the school to buy my dinner.

Heavily rained that night…and i forgot my umbrella…so I walked back again, and saw 3 taiwanese girls were discussing about the flowers.  I ignored it, and walked to the crowds. Then one of them asked me…."give me 3 reasons why you didn’t buy US flowers during my recital" (us, that means, question for 3 of them)….I really wanted to say "because you’re disgusting, your playing sucks and you don’t deserve it"… I’m really kind, so i told her "oh..because she’s my best friend", "I love her"….and then she stopped me and say…"hey, stop the nonsense and tell me…." It really pisses me off…so I just replied her "sorry, I can’t answer your question then…" and walked away..

Thoughts…

I bought flowers for my best friend’s…and these devils kept attacking me, and tried to step over me…."oh i’m just kidding" in the end doesn’t really help what they spelled out.  It’s not easy to be kind, they expect me to buy flowers for everyone? Fucking bitches…when there’re too many girls in a school or society…they really create problems…sorry girls, it’s so true, so just behave.

What is the expiration date of ..Truth? A slight delay of realising the truth will damage and destroy helpless man. I’m lucky enough to survive in this search of truth. I have no clue what made me provides unconditioned love? what motivates me? and…Why? God is right, so true, but I still can’t follow his way…yet. I prayed the truth will come to me soon, really soon, before I lost my way…

I really enjoy the feeling of quiet and numb.  It made me focus more on whatever I do, especially playing the cello. Recently i’m trying to ignore people, it’s such troublesome to make everyone happy. At least ignoring doesn’t hurt people. Hmm…i’m tired of social life, although I used to be a social butterfly…kekeke

My life has changed a lot these few weeks. New thoughts, new ideas, new challenges. Last week, a very famous cellist -  Aldo Parisot (86 y/o) came to my school and conduct a masterclass. I am fortunate enough to witness this event. He is so creative and straight forward, you could cry if you’re not strong enough to accept his words… which I think is very good for American schools. cos most of the people here are so used to good words; "hey, sounds good", "good job", "fantastic", they never really have chance to hear the truth. (don’t you know the truth set you free..?) My teacher told me years ago, a cellist played something too nervously in a master class, Parisot asked him to go practice and then move on to the next person…awesome man~  This is the best class of the year.

School’s ending in less than a month. I don’t know how I spent this 4 years, it passes by so quickly. will turn 24 in few weeks, omg, so old..hmm…and my cello still sucks… >_<…

9pm now, 2 more hours to go in library..

Really like this lyrics, i guess this is how i felt about life. I challenge the world, doing random stuff everyday. sometimes I desperate to rely on someone. I guess for now, I still have to walk this dark world by myself. Maybe i’m too simple, and yet a little complicated in some other things. I can be destroyed easily…

我的小时候吵闹任性的时侯
我的外婆总会唱歌哄我
夏天的午后老老的歌安慰我
那首歌好像这样唱的
天黑黑欲落雨
天黑黑黑黑
离开小时候有了自己的生活
新鲜的歌新鲜的念头
任性和冲动无法控制的时候
我忘记还有这样的歌
天黑黑欲落雨
天黑黑黑黑
我爱上让我奋不顾身的一个人
我以为这就是我所追求的世界
然而横冲直撞被误解被骗
是否成人的世界背后总有残缺
我走在每天必须面对的分岔路
我怀念过去单纯美好的小幸福
爱总是让人哭让人觉得不满足
天空很大却看不清楚好孤独
天黑的时候我又想起那首歌
突然期待下起安静的雨
原来外婆的道理早就唱给我听
下起雨也要勇敢前进….
我相信一切都会平息
我现在好想回家去
天黑黑欲落雨
天黑黑黑黑